Relationships: I don’t bend that way babe (sex talk)

Women magazines are notorious for sucking us in with headlines like “Best sex positions for your man”, ” Top 10 sex positions to spice things up”, or better yet “Keeping your marriage HOT with these sex tips”. Whether you’re standing in the grocery store line or walking by a newspaper stand, you can’t help but to see them and be encouraged to buy the magazine just to see what they have to say.

But with all of the top 10, top 5 and Best of all time sex positions that are recommend, can we please talk about the fact you need to be an absolutely grade A porn star to carry out most of them.

Let’s take a look at some of the positions we are told will help us women keep a man or help spice things up. This will be interesting lol

Coming in at number 5 on the list:

The Wheelbarrow or Head over Heels: The woman lowers herself to the ground with her butt in the air and crosses her arms in front of her. Your partner stands directly behind you lifting your legs off the ground. Slightly bending the knees to your chest, it allows your partner to enter you from behind.

This position sounds, not only uncomfortable, but dangerous. What if he’s not strong enough to hold you up there, what if you get light headed from being upside down?, What happens to your arms and elbows scrapping against the floor as he clumsily tries to enter you from behind, slips and falls and now both of you are on the ground and the mood is ruined. Good job magazine, now we are in the hospital!

Number 4 is The Erotic Acordian: This one sounds fun but let’s really see if it is. He get’s to lie on his back with his legs pressed to his chest, while you sit on his thighs and insert him into you. Then you casually ride him… ouuuu feels soooo… fucking uncomfortable.

Who the hell decided that this one was a good idea. Does your man have to be a yoga instructor for this to work because 90% of men out there can hardly stand without hurting themselves. I don’t think holding my weight on his bent thighs will help the cause. I for one am NOT doing this after a long day at work… this is work!

Number 3 is a goodie! It’s called the propeller. It goes a little something like this: The woman lies missionary style and he enters you, then 1…2…3… he FLIPS around and does a 180 while still inside of you. He is also supposed to thrust and spin while inside of you as you guide his body.

I have no words for this one. Nevermind the spinning while inside of you, no one seems to take into account the flailing arms, legs, feet in your face and friction that this will cause. Is you bed big enough for this act… this might need to be done on the floor.

Number 2 speeds in with a highly advanced variation of a yearly favourite. The Standing 69! Now for those who don’t know, this involves your partner standing and holding you while you please them and they please you.

Now, i don’t know about you, but the regular 69 is hard enough to complete because when getting pleasured, concentration is slim to give pleasure or not choking and dying. But now, both of us need to be on point not to fall as we concentrate on giving and receiving pleasure and standing and not becoming lightheaded. Sounds like fun right? Just put me down.. that’s enough.

Let’s wrap up this terrifying charade of yoga/sex/torture shall we. The Waterfall… now i know that this might seem like a boring title but this one takes a lot of balance for both of you. He lays half off of the bed with torso and shoulders touching the floor while you ride him.

I find some problems here… first being, is my bed 2 feet tall off of the floor because I have both a box spring and a mattress. He’d essentially be levitating off the floor to ensure his legs are still on the bed. My thighs will need to grip his torso and keep him stable so that I can ride or he can thrust.

Ladies and gentlemen, I think we can all agree that this is way more effort than is required. Now I’m not saying to be boring in the bedroom. But please don’t hurt yourselves trying these new positions. Getting older is no joke, we’ve all hurt ourselves just breathing. So unless you’re a yoga instructor, acrobat or wrote the Kama Sutra yourself, just stick to the classics and enjoy your partner.

Once you’ve reached your climax and are sweaty as can be, grab yourself a slice of delicious chocolate cake. And even if you didn’t climax, the cake will thrill you just as good.

Stay safe Beauties.

Ingredients

  • 1 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
  • 1 cup sugar
  • 3/4 cup Dutch-processed cocoa powder, sifted if lumpy
  • 1 tsp baking soda
  • 1 tsp baking powder
  • 1/2 tsp kosher salt
  • 8 tbsp unsalted butter, melted and cooled
  • 2 eggs, lightly beaten
  • 1 cup strong black coffee, room temperature
  • 1 cup buttermilk or plain yogurt
  • 1 tsp vanilla extract
  • 1/2 cup raspberry jam (seeded or seedless)
  • Frosting
  • 3/4 cup semisweet chocolate chips or roughly chopped semisweet chocolate
  • 3/4 cup sour cream, at room temperature
  • 1 tbsp maple syrup

Method

  1. Preheat oven to 350°F.
  2. Butter the bottom and sides of two 8-in cake pans, then line the bottom of each with a circle of parchment paper. For good measure, butter the parchment paper and set pans aside.
  3. In a large bowl, whisk the flour, sugar, cocoa powder, baking soda, baking powder, and salt. Add the melted butter, eggs, coffee, buttermilk, and vanilla and whisk until the batter is smooth.
  4. Divide the batter evenly among the prepared cake pans.
  5. Bake until the cakes are firm to the touch and a toothpick inserted in the centers comes out clean, about 30 minutes.
  6. Once cool, use a dinner knife to loosen the edges of the cakes from the pans and invert them onto your work surface.
  7. Frosting
  8. Melt the chocolate in a double boiler. Remove from heat and whisk in the sour cream and maple syrup. The frosting should be smooth and silky. Refrigerate the frosting until the cakes have cooled.
  9. Once cakes have cooled, put one on a serving platter upside-down so that the flat side is facing up. Spread the jam over the top. Put the second cake on top of the jam-slathered cake, again flat-side up- this way you get a nice flat top.
  10. Using a small offset spatula, spread the frosting all over the sides and top of the cake.
  11. Let the cake sit to cool and set.
  12. Enjoy!

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